


I was Only 19

by BlueTeaParty



Category: Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: Anal Sex, Bad Decisions, Basically what happened during the four year gap between BAaT and joining the Alliance, Colonist Shepard, Discussion of Drug Addiction, Drug Use, Flashbacks to 2170AD, Frottage, Kaidans love of whiskey, M/M, Mentions of Slavery, Mercenaries, Not Canon Compliant, Set in 2183AD, The Blue Suns, two dorks in love, vorcha mafia - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-15
Updated: 2019-07-15
Packaged: 2020-05-12 17:25:48
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 12,797
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19233739
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BlueTeaParty/pseuds/BlueTeaParty
Summary: Did I ever tell you about my casino run in with the vorcha mafia, five thousand credits, and a bottle of whiskey?Shepard asks Kaidan about his offhand quote, because curiosity gets the better of him. He ends up knowing a whole lot more about Kaidan than he ever expected.Includes gorgeous artwork from shotce.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I told myself I was only going to look at the REBB artwork, not participate. Then this gorgeous picture appears, with an amazing prompt about Kaidan's backstory.
> 
> I'm a sucker for what Kaidan did during his missing four years, so I couldn't resist asking for the opportunity to write for this artwork xD
> 
> I hope you enjoy the ride <3

**2186AD**

“You know, you never did tell me about your run in with the vorcha mafia.”

Kaidan froze. He had hoped that Shepard had forgotten about that particular comment. It never even should have been brought up but the high of completing the Casino mission had clouded his judgement.

“Kaidan?”

“Sorry Shepard. It’s not something I should have brought up. Alliance actually has a gag order on me regarding it.” He turned, wanting to end the conversation before it started.

“A gag order?” Shepard smirked, sauntering behind the Major and wrapping his arms around the other’s waist. He pushed his face into Kaidan’s neck, giving it a quick kiss. The other’s hand on his, a quick squeeze told him that it was alright. “Now I’m really interested.”

“John…” Kaidan warned, twisting in the arms holding him to look the other in the face. “I can’t say anyth - ”

Shepard took advantage and kissed Kaidan deeply, swallowing the biotic’s protests. “Spectre.” Blue eyes met warm brown. “Spectres,” he corrected. “You can tell me anything. I’m curious as fuck, but I won’t push.”

Those brown eyes darted to the ground, but the way Kaidan’s scarred lip twisted told John that he was thinking, considering his words. They flickered back to his and the smile that graced Kaidan’s face made John’s heart warm.

“Spectres,” Kaidan repeated. “You know what? Fuck it, you’re right. I can tell you.” He walked to the couch, waving at Shepard to follow him. When they were both seated, he continued. “I assume that you read my military dossier on our original mission against Saren?”

John nodded, unsure where the biotic was going.

“Well, then I’m sure you noticed there was almost a four-year gap between me leaving BAaT and joining the Alliance?”

“I did but I sort of assumed that it was time spent as a civilian. Therapy for BAaT and all that.”

This time Kaidan nodded. “Therapy was part of that time, but not all of it. After killing Vyrnnus…” he stopped, giving a wry chuckle. “That would be enough to mess up anyone. I saved Rahna but lost her because I couldn’t control myself.”

“Kaidan…”

The biotic shook his head, pressing a finger against John’s mouth. “I’ve come to terms with it now, but back then…I was a pretty fucked up person.”

Knowing Kaidan didn’t want his pity, Shepard nodded.

Satisfied, the biotic continued. “My parents put me in therapy, but I hated it. So, I made the first of my many bad decisions as a teenager. I ran away.”

John cocked his head. “Ran away? Where to?”

Kaidan laughed. “Where else would any newly-minted murderer of a teenager go? Omega.”

“Omega?! Fuck Kaidan, how old were you?”

“Hmmm, 18 I guess?”

“Why Omega?”

His eyes flickered to the floor, before meeting John’s again. “I needed more Red Sand.”

\---

**2170AD**

Already the delayed doors were pissing him off. The stale recycled air was pissing him off. Hell, even the flickering lights were pissing him off.

It had been that kind of day already.

Kaidan stalked the halls of Omega, making his way towards the mining core. ‘Honest’ work on a station filled with thugs and thieves. He snorted. Even here, he couldn’t help but try to be honest.

Pathetic.

He couldn’t help but feel a flash of anger towards himself. The anger had been there a while now, ever since....

He shook his head, refusing to think of the past year of his life. It was mostly a blur anyway.

The only way Kaidan even knew that time had passed, that he had indeed left Earth some months ago, was the way his clothing had begun to hang off his frame.

Shoving his hands deeper into his hoodie, he kept his eyes downward as he passed by some vorcha mercenaries, hooting and growling at some current success or other. Blood Pack by the armour and insignia. Maybe. He couldn’t remember batarians being a part of the notorious gang but it’s not like he’d gone out of his way to find out either. There were more important things to think about than whether batarians and vorcha were getting along with each other.

Like having enough credits to cover rent and get his ‘meds.’

Meds. Who was he kidding? It was fucking red sand and the shit was probably melting his brain, but it felt so fucking good. Ironic that the part of him that he hated the most, was the one that allowed such amazing sensations. While on it, he felt like he could move the universe.

The time during the rest of the day was just spent waiting until he could get his next hit. So far, he’d managed to avoid the gangs of Omega; their lack of honour and tactics having most of them attack each other as mobs. Mercenaries were another breed altogether. At least he didn’t have to worry too much about them. They only went after people they were contracted for. Kaidan could appreciate that. Down here, most people wouldn’t lift a finger unless it involved a few credits or more.

Another corridor, another mob. They seemed different somehow. Like they were eyeing prey from afar. Batarians. One of them stepped aside from the mob; studying him.

The alien had the swagger of someone he wanted to avoid eye contact with, let alone cross. It noticed him looking back and silently snarled; needle sharp teeth flashed a warning at him.  
Ducking his head, Kaidan continued to make his way downwards into the mines. He couldn’t help but look behind him, feeling a pinprick between his shoulder blades, like someone was following him.

No one was there.

Sighing, he continued on his way.

The corridor opened to a long tunnel, bored deep into the asteroid that was Omega. The eezo drill was massive, nearly three hundred meters across and a bright biotic blue. Everywhere one looked, there were walkways, ladders and cooling pipes. No safeties. It paid to not have a fear of heights. Many a worker had tumbled over the edge and no one had blinked an eye or raised a hand to help them.

The work here was tough and dirty. Every day, his muscles ached from the dull manual labour; slowly his body was becoming muscled, though still far too lean. Good food was hard to find and quite frankly, not high on his list of things to find. The sand kept him from getting too hungry though.

His lungs burned from the dust and inferior ventilation. Eezo burned in his mouth and nostrils, the smell of ozone was constant. Now, Kaidan supposed, he had gotten used to the air.  
He kept to himself, did the job and no-one bothered him. Too much.

Reaching the mine itself, Kaidan set to work immediately. Clocking in at the wall, he strode to one of the nearby consoles.

There was minimal safety gear here, just a helmet and reinforced overalls really, so it was hot and dirty. Lucky for him, he’d always had an interest in tech. He didn’t doubt that without it, he’d be one of the people who had to work near the core, collecting the eezo at its root. Instead he had a somewhat cushy position monitoring the incoming ore, scanning for abnormalities.

The entire day was somewhat monotonous, but the credits waiting for him at the end kept him going. He already had a time set up with his dealer; his supplies of red sand were getting low.

Unfortunately, it was that very thought and single-mindedness that got him into trouble at the end of his shift.

Credits had been deposited into his account. Kaidan frowned at the amount, it was so pathetic, but it was enough. Heading towards the marketplace, the young biotic’s stomach growled, reminding him that he hadn’t really eaten today. Lucky for him, it was on the way to his apartment.

Walking the corridors of Omega, he vaguely listened to some report on some human colony in the Attican Traverse. Slavers had raided an agricultural district and killed a bunch of people. Mandor, or something like that.

Caught up in his thoughts, Kaidan missed the group behind him.

“Hey, human!” one of them called out. The strange harmonics told him that the voice belonged to a batarian. So many had it out for humans, viewing them as inferior for some reason or other. Kaidan had never really bothered putting time into finding out. He shoved his hands into his pockets and continued walking, ignoring the voice.

“Hey! We’re talking to you!” The batarian’s voice was lower, a slight growl in the vocals.  
His stride became longer, though Kaidan willed himself to not run. _Show no fear._ He’d almost made it the marketplace, not many would try to start a fight in there.

It was a vague hope that the batarians would give up if he didn’t respond.

A hand landed on his shoulder, spinning him around. “Fucking humans, think they’re better than us.”

_“…what survivors are beginning to call an atrocity…”_

Kaidan grunted, beginning to focus his biotics into existence, but a flash of Rahna’s scared face in his mind stopped him.

The fist connecting with his face sent him sprawling onto the floor. Pathetic.

_“We interviewed a young survivor…”_

The young biotic groaned, hating himself for his weakness, already feeling blood dripping down his face. He tried to get up but found a boot between his shoulders for his troubles. Vaguely Kaidan noticed the dirt on the floor.

“Stay down kid,” the batarian snarled, pressing down on his back to keep him there.

_“…pard. Thank-you for your time. We’ll be back at our usual time…”_

“No…” Kaidan whispered. “Fuck you.”

“Oh? What was that?” The batarians laughed among themselves. “The two eyed kit has some backbone after all.”

Struggling to rise from the floor, Kaidan lifted his blooded head and roared as he threw the batarian off his back. A biotic flash rippled off his form, briefly lighting the corridor. Four eyes widened, surprised at his display.

He swung his fist at the downed alien, connecting with its nose. A sick kind of satisfaction flooded him, and he readied himself to strike again.

Behind him, the other batarians weren’t idle. Two hands grasped his shirt, lifting him off their downed fellow, slamming his back into the wall.

The air left Kaidan’s lungs, leaving him momentarily dizzy.

“Tough guy eh?”

A fist to his solar plexus had Kaidan doubling over. He fought to breathe, pain flooding his senses. Great heaving gasps that were completely ineffective and left him helpless.  
“Don’t worry, we’ll take good care of you.”

The batarians laughed, before pressing a taser to his neck.

\---

The first thing Kaidan noticed was the smell. It was fucking putrid, like someone had died and no-one had bothered to move the corpse.

Groaning at the throbbing headache shrieking through his skull, Kaidan blearily opened his eyes. Where was he?

Trying to sit up, he startled as he realised he was restrained; omni cords encased themselves tightly around his torso, the dull glow taunting him. He struggled, his arms wrapped around his torso like a strait jacket, discovering that a fucking leash attached him to the wall. The bonds held fast. Slumping back against the cold floor, he groaned as the headache flared again.  
He swallowed, finding an obstruction against his throat. Something was around his neck. From the feel of it, it seemed like a thick collar. What the fuck had he gotten himself into? Rolling onto his back, Kaidan tried to ignore the stabbing pain in his head, studying his surroundings; it looked like a cargo hold.

Fuck.

“You gonna make us a lot of money, boy.”

Kaidan snarled at the batarian. “You won’t fucking get away with this!” Struggling uselessly against his bonds, all he managed to do was to make the alien laugh.

“Don’t worry. We’ll get you outfitted with your implant soon, quell that anger of yours.” The batarian leaned in close, holding Kaidan’s face while he mocked him. “The same anger that got you here with us boy.”

“Ah! Fuck you!”

A hand fisted itself into his hair, dragging his face up. Four eyes stared into his own; unblinking and unflinching. “Word of warning boy. That collar around your neck? It’s locked into your amp jack. Don’t try activating your biotics. The collar will create a feedback loop.”

The hand let go, the alien stepping back, out of range of his legs. “Those biotics of yours are going to get us a bit of money. Some people are interested in human freaks it seems. If you’re wondering, we’re heading to Logasiri; good thing you’ve already got work experience in the Omega mines, cause that’s where your buyer is.”

The batarian laughed, walking out of the bay. Left alone, Kaidan once more tried to remove his bonds. Failing miserably, he tugged, only succeeding in hurting himself. Frustration welled within him, building like a volcano. He screamed to the empty hold, his voice bouncing back at him, taunting him. Rolling over, the young biotic blinked back the tears starting to well in his eyes.  
Crying never helped anyone.

Instead, he lay on his back, staring at the ceiling of the bay. Alone in the darkness, the immediate area lit dimly from the omni-rope, he didn’t really know how much time had already passed. Enough time that withdrawals from the sand were starting.

His leg twitched. He couldn’t stop it. Grunting, he kicked the nearest surface, relishing the pain that jolted up his foot.

It’s better than focussing on the shit storm that his life had become.


	2. Chapter 2

**2186AD**

Shepard swallowed his gasp. It was one of his nightmares that had plagued him for weeks after Mindoir. A batarian slave. He honestly couldn’t think of anything worse for the survivors of that attack.

And to think, Kaidan had almost been one…

He buried his face into Kaidan’s neck, as if confirming to himself that the man was indeed, free and alive.

“Hey, it’s okay John.” Of course the biotic had noticed his minor distress. “I’m right here and I’m not going anywhere.”

“I’m so glad you’re here with me,” John whispered.

Kaidan smiled, one of his hands making its way to the back of John’s neck, small comforting circles being drawn on his skull.

They stayed together like that for a while, before John moved to kiss Kaidan on the cheek. “I’m sorry.”

“What for?”

“Well, here you are telling me about yourself, and I go into being selfish and thinking about what happened to me as a teenager...”

Another soft kiss landed on Shepard’s lips. Then his nose, then his forehead. “I love you, you silly bugger.” He rested his forehead against John’s. “You really have nothing to be sorry about you know.”

John nodded, not really believing him but unwilling to press the issue. “Tell me how you got off that ship. I still have no idea about how this is connected to the bloody vorcha mafia of all things.”

Kaidan chuckled easily. “It’s all about context.” Pouring them both a shot of whiskey, he handed one to Shepard. Liquid courage to beat down the demons that came with the memories.

“Just how long were you on that batarian ship anyway?”

He shrugged. “No idea to be honest. Long enough for withdrawals from the red sand to kick in?”

A low whistle was his answer. “Heard those ain’t pretty.”

Kaidan shook his head. “No, not something I ever really want to experience again.” He went quiet, watching the electronic fire that danced in the fireplace.

Shepard let him, holding onto his hand.

Eventually Kaidan spoke again. “You know, I never expected rescue to be honest. And when it came, it wasn’t much of a rescue anyway.”

\---

**2170AD**

“Who the fuck are you!?” Kaidan snapped.

The man standing in front of him laughed, “Not really much of a way to talk to your saviour kid.”  
A groan was his response. Kaidan didn’t really have that much energy left in him; the ordeal of being beaten, restrained and practically starved, combined with the withdrawals from the red sand had taken most of his energy.

“We’re going to get those bindings off you. Then we’ll have a bit of a chat.”

Kaidan’s eyes narrowed. Out of the frying pan and into the fire it seemed. All at once, his meager amount of energy had disappeared. The reality was, he hadn’t eaten in days and he was pretty sure he was hallucinating the entire thing anyway. Regardless, he nodded permission for the mercenary to approach.

Squinting, he took in the sight of the armour the mercenary was wearing. Blue, though not the Alliance. The large white circle told him that.

The omni-bonds deactivated, and Kaidan slumped down the wall. He was having trouble keeping his eyes open, though he was relieved to be able to move his arms again.

Rough hands grasped him, picking him up onto his feet. “Come on kid, we ain’t got all day.”

“Tired…” he murmured.

The mercenary swore softly, then activated his omni-tool. Strength surged through his body, and Kaidan couldn’t help but gasp. He was still tired, but that bone-deep exhaustion and hunger that had hounded him, faded somewhat.

“What the fuck?”

“Just some medi-gel. We’ll get ya patched up later but at least this way I don’t have to carry your goddamn ass out of here myself.”

Kaidan nodded. He was still hungry as hell, but at least the merc was right — he could walk.

\---

“What the fuck took you so long Massani?”

Another one of the mercenaries addressed the two of them as they walked out the cargo bay. Kaidan took his time taking in what seemed to be a mess hall; surely there was some food around?

“Found some of these fuckers goddamn cargo,” the man called Massani replied. He had grabbed one of the half-lucid batarians and dragged it behind him, leaving Kaidan to follow. Dropping the alien on the floor, the merc kicked it in the head. Kaidan watched, willing himself to feel some measure of satisfaction but was ultimately unable to. He was just too exhausted. The batarian grumbled at the impact but didn’t say anything. “Goddamn fucking slavers.”

“That one of their cargo?”

Massani grunted in reply. Kaidan wasn’t paying much attention; he’d found what he was sure was something compatible with human digestive systems. Quickly he shoved it down his throat, not even caring that it tasted like ass.

“Oi! Kid!”

He startled, not expecting to be addressed.

“Come on over. We have a little errand for you to complete.”

Kaidan warily eyed the gun that Massani was now holding.

“Don’t worry kid, this bullet isn’t for you.” Turning the gun around, so the shaft was pointing at the batarian, Massani gestured for Kaidan to take it.

“What…do you want me to do?” Kaidan rasped.

“Take the gun and shoot this mother fucker.”

Kaidan frowned. Biotics were one thing but a gun… “I don’t even know how to use it.”

A short laugh from the merc surprised him. “You’re telling me that you live in the Traverse and don’t know how to use a goddamn gun?”

He nodded.

“It’s easy. Point it at the fucker and press the trigger. Come here.”

On shaking legs, Kaidan made his way back to the merc. Swallowing against the collar still on his throat, he couldn’t take his eyes off that gun.

“Take it,” the merc demanded. “Shoot the fucking thing.”

The gun was in his hand. It felt…heavy. Already, it was aimed at the alien in front of him. Looking up from the gun, he noticed the batarian had stirred. All four eyes were staring at him, wide in shock.

“Please…” the alien whimpered.

The merc kicked it savagely in the side, making it yelp in pain.

“Go on,” Massani whispered. “They held you goddamn captive. They intended to _sell_ you as a fucking slave. Kill it.”

“No! Please, don’t!” the batarian yelled, whimpering from its spot on the floor.

The single gunshot silenced any pleading.

Looking at the mangled remains of the batarian on the floor, Kaidan tried to feel something. _Anything._

He couldn't. He just didn't care.

Behind him, the mercenary grunts, “Nice shot kid.”

Kaidan blinked. He had just fucking murdered someone. Instead of fear greeting him, it was…praise? It was a dangerous feeling.

“Come on, let’s get that goddamn collar off ya neck.”

He shivered as the merc approached him and forced himself to be still as the man fiddled with the device locked around his neck. Old cigarettes and the unmistakable scent of spent heat clips filled his nostrils. It smelled so familiar, so _human_ that he couldn’t help but relax.

“Hmmm, it’s a goddamn biotic dampener. Can’t get it open here.”

Kaidan shrugged. “You could leave it on for all I care. Fucking biotics.”

The mercenary did the last thing Kaidan expected. He laughed. “Don’t care too much about your problems kid, but biotics are useful to have on your side of the fight. Either way, you’re coming with us.”

Kaidan didn’t love the idea of that, but what choice did he have?

He followed the mercenaries onto their ship.

\---

**2186AD**

“Wait a second. _You_ went with the Blue Suns?”

Kaidan laughed. “Yeh. Didn’t know it at the time, I was just grateful to be leaving that ship.”

“And, fuck! Massani was there!” Shepard began laughing too, though for different reasons from Kaidan. “I can’t believe fucking _Zaeed_ was there. Though, him encouraging a teenager to shoot someone, that...nah. That’s very much Zaeed.”

“Wait…you know Zaeed?”

Shepard nodded, still cackling softly. “Yeh, he came with me on the Collectors mission.”

“…you’re fucking with me.”

“Nope.”

“Fucking hell,” Kaidan quietly whispered. “You know, a suicide mission is the last thing I ever pictured that man doing. He always spoke about getting enough credits to retire somewhere out of the way.”

“Yeh well, he was still talking about that when we fought the Collectors.” John looked at Kaidan and smiled. Just one more thread connecting them together. “You know, Zaeed told me once that he fought slavers…I have to admit, with what happened on Zorya, I didn’t quite believe him.”

Kaidan frowned. Zaeed wasn’t the gentlest of people, but he had always believed that Massani had mostly good intentions. “Zorya? Tell me.”

Shepard sighed. He didn’t really want to burst Kaidan’s opinion of the man, but he had to be honest with him. “Zaeed asked me to help him kill Vido.”

Kaidan found himself raising an eyebrow. “Vido? The man’s an asshole but I can’t ever remember him doing anything that would make Zaeed kill him.”

“I believe Zaeed’s exact words were, Vido and him ‘respectfully discussed their differences and had a vote’ and then Zaeed was ‘overruled.’”

The biotic looked at him blankly, knowing there was more to the story.

“And then Vido shot Zaeed point blank in the face.”

Kaidan couldn’t help it; he gasped, “…what the fuck? How is the asshole still alive?”

John snorted. “Dunno, never told me how beyond that ‘rage was a hell of an anaesthetic.’”

It was Kaidan’s turn to laugh. John did a pretty good impression of the mercenary, but the laugh soon died. “How…how is he now?”

“He’s a stubborn asshole, that’s for sure. A few scars, pretty sure half of his face was surgically reconstructed but overall, in one piece.”

Kaidan nodded. “Did he tell you what the argument was over?”

“Letting batarians into the Blue suns I believe.”

“What the fuck?!”

John nodded, understanding Kaidan’s exclamation. He was thankful the biotic was being so open with him.

“I can’t, fuck, what the hell was Vido thinking!?”

“Zaeed mentioned something about them being cheaper? He also mentioned thinking they were terrorists.”

“Of course they’re fucking terrorists,” Kaidan huffed. It was the first time John had actually seen him get agitated during their discussion. “How many countless planets have they plundered? People stolen from their homes, neural implants in their skulls so they can’t fight back…”

“Kaidan,” John touched his shoulder, shocking Kaidan into stopping. “You’re preaching to the fucking choir here.”

Kaidan stopped and looked at John, sheepish smile gracing his face. “Sorry. Of course. I don’t know how I forgot about Mindoir. Being almost sold as a slave…it's nothing compared to what you had to go through because of batarians. Or all those people…”

John shook his head. “We’re not playing ‘one up’ here Kaidan. They hurt us both but really…I only wanted you stop ranting. I’m right here.”

A short laugh burst from the biotic. “You’re right I’m sorry.”

The commander smiled, pressing a quick kiss against Kaidan’s lips. “Now, tell me more. I can tell that you’re nowhere near the part about the vorcha mafia yet.”

Kaidan chuckled, shaking his head. “No, not really. There was so much shit that happened to me while on Omega, while with the Blue Suns. At least with wearing their armour, it gave me some measure of protection while walking the streets. Plus, more money. Unfortunately…” he frowned, eyes closing like he could block out the worst memories.

Shepard waited patiently for him to begin talking again.

“More money just meant more drugs.”


	3. Chapter 3

**2170AD**

“First kill?”

He had learned that the mercenary who had rescued him was called Zaeed. The man was gruff and to the point. Heavily tattooed arm, he had the insignia of his mercenary band on his neck. The Blue Suns.

Kaidan eyed him warily. “No.”

“Ah, good to know. Didn’t really want a snivelling brat.”

“Why do you even want me?”

“Cannon fodder.” Zaeed kept a straight face for a moment, and then burst out laughing. “Nah, but you’ve already passed the entrance exam kid. All we need is willing to fight and kill.”  
Kaidan’s eyes narrowed, though inside he hated himself. Vrynnus was a mistake but the batarian…did he really deserve to be shot in cold blood? Either way, Zaeed was right; he was a killer now.

“Plus, you owe us for busting you out of there. Removing that biotic collar took some funds…”  
Kaidan couldn’t help but raise his eyebrow at that; all it had taken was a bit of omni-gel.  
“…but a few missions and you’ll have paid it back.”

“You’re not really giving me a choice, are you?”

Zaeed grinned, “Nah, son. Consider yourself conscripted into the Blue Suns.”

The shuttle shuddered slightly, an electronic VI announcing that docking procedures were complete.

Zaeed studied him, eyes racking over his form. “You’re a bit fucking thin eh? Could use some bulking up.”

“I guess I’ll have to pay back that too, won’t I?”

“Now you’re catching on.” They walked off the shuttle into the ship. “Welcome to the SSV Kingfisher. I’ll get someone to show you where the sleeping quarters are, hook you up with some armour. Biotics the only thing you got?”

Kaidan frowned, wondering how much to tell the other man.

“You can keep your talents to yourself if you want, doesn’t matter to me.” Zaeed eyed one of the mercs in the ship ahead.

“No,” Kaidan snorted. “I’m an L2. Also got some tech experience.”

“An L2? Really.” Zaeed barely blinked at the revelation. “Well you don’t look insane or mentally disabled to me.”

“Yeh, one of the lucky ones me. All I get are crippling migraines.”

“Hmph.”

Kaidan looked at the man, wondering if he was thinking of spacing him or not. Instead, Massani surprised him.

“Had an uncle with migraines. The man swore by acupuncture and coffee. Also, some goddamn awful herbal smoothies. No idea if it did him any good though.”

The biotic snorted. “Couldn’t have made them any worse.”

“True that. The kale was what put me off. Bastard got it stuck in his teeth half the fucking time.”  
The doors to the airlock opened and they both stepped through. “Oi! Galen! Take care of the new recruit, get him some bloody armour would ya?”

“Sure boss.” The man, Galen, approached Kaidan. “This way.”

“Ah, and here’s Vido himself.” Zaeed smirked at the man behind Galen. Kaidan studied him, he didn’t look that impressive.

“What have you brought back this time Massani?”

Galen ignored the exchange between Zaeed and Vido, waving at Kaidan to follow him. Casting a final look over his shoulder, Kaidan moved.

Behind them Zaeed started talking, something Kaidan couldn’t hear, then; “What?!”

Vido was practically screaming. “I don’t want no biotic freak! Just dump the damn kid back at Omega, Massani. We don’t need no charity case.”

“We have to get back to Omega anyway, Vido. I’ll take care of the fucking kid; you just keep running those fucking books.”

The door closed behind Kaidan and both voices muted, though obviously still fighting. He couldn’t help the sigh that escaped him.

“Biotic eh?” The other merc eyed him carefully. It wasn’t anything new, but Kaidan had a small sliver of hope that the people here could know him before knowing of his biotics. Oh well. At least now he knew to keep his head down, though that would be difficult in these close quarters.

“Yeh.” _Here it comes. Was kind of hoping to avoid the whole biotic fuckery for a while…_

“What sort?”

“L2.”

“Huh, fuck.” A note of hesitation crept into the merc’s voice. “Well even if the boss has a soft spot for ya, at the first sign of crazy, you get spaced ye.”

Kaidan resisted the urge to roll his eyes. He’d had the fucking implant for nearly three years now. If he was going to go crazy, he’d have done so by now. “Sure.”

The merc waited, like he expected Kaidan to say more, then shook his head. Walking to a spare bunk he gestured. “This is spare, it can be yours. Armour is located below it.”

Without saying more, the merc walked away. That was more than okay with Kaidan. Kneeling, he grasped the old armour that lay there. He frowned at it. Blue and white, colours he’d once thought he’d be wearing as part of the Alliance.

He closed his eyes and sighed; that was not his destiny. Not anymore.

\---

**2186AD**

Shepard whistled softly. “Can’t imagine you in Blue Suns armour. The Alliance just always seemed like…everything.”

Kaidan nodded. “It was a shitty piece of armour, not quite broken but plenty of scratches. They didn’t really care for me, not at that stage. It was only when I used my biotics as a shield in the middle of a firefight that they really started to care about my well-being.”

Shepard raised an eyebrow. He was so used to Kaidan using his biotics offensively, that he had forgotten that it was a new development in his boyfriend’s career. On the SR-1 Kaidan had confided that before Eden Prime, he had only used his biotics rarely, mostly as barriers.

Seemed he had stuck to that mentality for a lot longer than Shepard had assumed.

Noticing the look, Kaidan sighed. “Yeh, actually turns out the Blue Suns have a training program. Hell of a place really but nothing worse than what I had already gone through at BAaT. Besides, the Blue Suns didn’t really care if I snorted a bit of red sand before an engagement. They practically encouraged it, the bastards.”

He began to walk over to their couch, flopping back into it. “Hell, when they saw what I was capable of when I was on it, they started just giving the fucking stuff to me.”

John studied Kaidan carefully. His voice tried to suggest that he was okay with his past, but his body language screamed nervousness. Was Kaidan really that afraid that John would abandon him?

Walking carefully to where his boyfriend was sitting, he slid close to him. Hooking an arm around his shoulders, he drew the other close into a kiss. His other hand wasn’t idle; it grasped one of Kaidan’s and gave comforting caresses with his thumb.

The kiss was sweet, and John tried to pour his love into it. Tried to show Kaidan how much he mattered. It wasn’t like either of them had had easy lives as late-teenagers.

“Sorry John,” Kaidan whispered as the kiss ended. John was pleased to feel his body relax once more. “I haven’t actually thought about this shit in a long time, much less talked about it.”

“Its okay,” he murmured. “We can save it for another night if you like?”

Kaidan shook his head. “No, I…I need to tell you now.”

John nodded. For the moment both just sat quietly on the couch, listening to each other breathe and their hearts beat. Shepard was patient. Always had been for this man. In battle he might be a vanguard who charged in without seemingly thinking but Kaidan…Kaidan had always been his anchor.

His voice was soft once he resumed his story. “Training was tough, but nothing like the first mission. Don’t even remember what we had to do.” He snorted softly. “Barely knew how to hold a gun, and they threw me in the deep end. I was reluctant to use my biotics too… In a nutshell, everything went to shit _fast_. One moment we were alone, the next there was gunfire everywhere. And some fucker had a ML-77 Missile Launcher.”

\---

**2170AD**

It was loud.

Kaidan honestly had no idea what was happening. He was hiding behind some cement blocks, his breath echoing in his helmet.

_Fuck, too loud! Fuck, we’re gonna die, fuck, fuck, can’t fucking breathe, fuck, fuck fuck -_

Against all better judgement, Kaidan released the compression on his helmet. Gasping for breath, he leant against the post trying to calm his rapidly beating heart. It felt like it was going to jump out of his chest.

“Goddamn it Alenko! Put your fucking helmet back on!”

He ignored them. The gunfire rattled inside his head, on a crash course towards his implant. Hissing at the pain, Kaidan fumbled at the pouches in his armour.

_Fuck, where is it, I need it, fuck, I know it’s here –_

It seemed like a million years but he found the tube of Red Sand he’d stashed. At this point, they seemed dead anyway, so why not make death a bit more enjoyable?

Clutching the precious tube in shaking hands, Kaidan leant back and inhaled.

He could smell it going in, always could. Smelt like a thunderstorm; clean and brutal. A rush of pure pleasure bolted through his brain, synapses lighting up as the chemical travelled to his amp port. His biotics were pulsating; blue, wispy smoke flowed off his body. He crackled with harsh electricity, head lolling to the side as he enjoyed the high the sand brought.  
Kaidan breathed. Let the pure power infuse him.

The world was bright, like the saturation had been turned up on the colours. High-definition surround sound. He was invincible, filled with pure power. Beside him, the mercenaries swore as bullets attempt to shred their shields. It melded together into white noise. Nothing to worry about.

His head flopped again, and he spotted ants crawling beside him. One was missing a leg. Reaching a finger out, Kaidan frowned as the small bodies dissolved within his biotic aura.

Lazily, he looked at his companions. One was yelling at him. Kaidan wasn’t listening. He watches as behind the merc’s head, a missile made its way towards them. It’s beautiful, a tail like the sun.

He envisioned reaching out to swat it away, a flick of his wrist. Energy raged through him and just like that, the missile wasn’t _there_ anymore.

Kaidan smiled, giggling at how easy it was.

More bursts of light flashed over them. It's nothing to be concerned about.

Someone was shouting at him. He didn’t think it was that important.

They’re in his face. He grinned at them. Insane laughter threatened to burst from his chest.   
There was nothing to worry about.

A golden missile approached from beyond.

He reached with his biotics, visualized the field wrapping around them. Blue tendrils solidified into a barrier; the outside world distorting.

Beyond the barrier, an explosion crashed.

Flames licked at his biotics, gentle, like the sea.

Beyond the barrier, windows shattered.

The glass felt like rain.

Beyond the barrier, alarms erupted.

All he could hear were gasps from his companions. Kaidan smiled, watching as they swiftly gunned downed their enemy.

He could do with a cigarette.


	4. Chapter 4

**2186AD**

Kaidan frowned, rubbing the back of his neck absentmindedly. “You know, I can’t actually remember what happened after that.”

“Wow,” Shepard had a lopsided grin on his face. “Ho-ly _fuck_ Kaidan. Last person I saw that was on Red Sand could barely summon a throw.”

“You mean, lucky that they only had the one missile launcher?” Kaidan chuckled wryly. “Cause John, I was high as a fucking kite. Just because Red Sand makes you feel invincible, doesn’t mean you are.”

“Do you miss it?”

“What?” Kaidan snorted. “The Red Sand? You’ve got to be kidding me.”

He glanced at his partner and saw the way John was looking at him. It wasn’t a statement said in jest, merely…curiosity.

Kaidan sighed, closing his eyes for a moment. If there was anyone that he could be honest with, it was the man sitting beside him. “Yeh okay, there are some days. With the Reapers, sometimes it all feels so hopeless.”

John’s hand closed on his, squeezing softly but the man didn’t say anything.

So Kaidan continued. “The cravings, the rush…It’s been fifteen years and it never really leaves you alone, you know?”

Shepard nodded. “It’s not something I’ve done myself, although fuck, I know there were days, weeks even, when I wanted to.”

Kaidan shuffled closer to John on the couch, leaning his head on the other’s shoulder. “Right messed up bunch, weren’t we?”

John pressed a soft kiss to Kaidan’s forehead, making him smile. “Not our fault.”

“Well…some was a _little_ my fault. I was the one who made those decisions John.” Kaidan paused, taking a moment to look into baby blue eyes. He studied them, looking for…well, he didn’t know, but something.

“I know you don’t believe me Kaidan, maybe might not ever, but you did the best you could.” He had hooked a finger under Kaidan’s chin, tilting his face up towards his own. Pressing their lips together, slow and soft, comforting in ways that words would never be. It wasn’t profound, or earth-shattering. Kaidan recognised the kiss for what it was; just a small promise that the other man wasn’t going anywhere, anytime soon. That he loved and was loved in return.

“Now, what happened next? I still want to know about those vorcha.”

Chuckling, Kaidan shifted on the couch, manoeuvring himself so he was lying against Shepard. “I’m getting there.”

“I know you said that I needed context, but this is a lot longer than I was expecting.”

“I can stop if you like?”

“And miss the chance to hear more about your past? Never.” His hand had begun to idly trace patterns on Kaidan’s chest. “You’re harder to get information out of than a damn volus broker.”  
That made both men laugh, breaking the tension a little bit.

Once more relaxed, Kaidan continued. “So, Zaeed was actually a little impressed by my biotic display. One of the other mercs must have told him. He took me back to Omega but this time, he took me to Afterlife.”

“Yeh? Why Afterlife?”

“To get details for our next job from Aria T’Loak.”

Shepard snorted, shaking his head. “You know, I knew this story was going to be wild, but hell.”

“Yeh, it’s good to get it off my chest, you know?”

The warm smile he received from Shepard told him exactly how much the other understood that.

\---

**2170AD**

Afterlife was both exactly what Kaidan was expecting and nothing like it.

It was only Zaeed and himself, entering easily through the front door. Holographic fire greeted them, dancing over the walls. Cushions lined the entranceway, different species lounging here and there. He eyed the batarians with distaste but followed Massani’s lead. A few aliens had observed their armour, then carried on their conversations. Mercenaries were not of notice unless needed or they were the target. His new armour had benefits it seemed.

Entering the main section, Kaidan was a little in awe; a bright pink holoscreen was the centrepiece here. Graceful Asari dancers, placed on pedestals outside the audience’s reach, where everywhere he turned. They were beautiful and sexy, hips moving in an enticingly erotic way and he shifted uncomfortably as his dick took notice.

The atmosphere inside Afterlife was different from the rest of Omega; still desperate but people moving in a way that helped them forget their misery. Alcohol and dancing were abundant, the beat flowed through their bodies as if it was really their last night alive. The dark and dusty corners barely hid writhing bodies, surely in the middle of exploring each other’s bodies in a way that should best be kept to a bedroom.

Zaeed paid them little attention, striding past patrons and dancers alike with little notice. Kaidan wished he had Zaeed’s confidence.

“Places like this are slaughterhouses, dressed up like nightclubs,” Zaeed muttered, making a beeline for the bar. A gesture at the salarian behind the bar and two glasses were in front of them. The lead merc immediately knocked back one but, to Kaidan’s surprise, offered him the other.

Kaidan eyed the offered blue drink with distaste; what the fuck was it?

Zaeed grinned at his face, “It’s kind of like whiskey but guaranteed to knock you on your ass. Strong man like you can take it though. None of that mixing shit up or watering it down.”

He knew a dare when he saw one. At least Massani had already downed one, so Kaidan knew it was at least palatable for humans. Grasping the glass, he took one last look, before downing the entire lot at once.

It fucking _burned_ its way down his throat, leaving him wheezing for air. Zaeed laughed good-naturedly, slapping him on the back as he coughed.

“Fucking asshole,” Kaidan gasped, though he grinned back.

“Shot of courage before we go see T’Loak.”

Nerves struck him again, even as the liquor burned his belly. Aria T’Loak, pirate queen of Omega. He had only ever heard of her. When he worked in the mines, he’d never even thought of stepping inside Afterlife, red sand and a bit of food his only goals. Giving himself a moment to breathe deep, he followed Massani up the stairs.

There were couches up here, but Aria sat on hers like a queen. Armed turians were on either side of her; Kaidan doubted they were truly needed, merely for show. Aria was more than capable of taking on anyone that attempted to threaten her reign.

A quick scan, and then Zaeed was offered a space on her couch. Kaidan stood, nervously shuffling, though trying not to let it show. He didn’t take much notice of what they were saying; credits and information were exchanged for their last job. Instead, he took his time studying the nightclub, doing his best to ignore the throbbing beat of the bass. It seemed to have a direct line to his L2 implant, and he could feel the beginnings of a migraine. He hoped that Zaeed wouldn’t be taking too much longer. Then he heard his name.

“So, who’s the kid Massani?”

“Says his name's Kaidan Alenko. Picked him up off a batarian slave freighter on that last job you gave us.”

The asari studied Kaidan carefully and he gulped nervously. To have that intense blue gaze fixated on him was disconcerting to say the least. She could crush him like an ant and not even notice. When she finally spoke, it wasn’t anything he was expecting to hear.

“Hmmm, so you’re the one I have to thank for dealing with that scumbag Vrynnus.”

Kaidan blinked. “Excuse me?”

“Vrynnus. Turian asshole. Mercenary who couldn’t get the job done. Heard he took on a position teaching human brats just to get away from me.” Aria smirked, shifting so her other leg crossed. “Ironic that the job killed him.”

“You’re welcome?” Somehow he managed to speak without stuttering. That much he could be proud of.

Aria laughed out.. “Of course I am.” She gestured at the couch for him to take a seat. Kaidan did so with little fanfare. He had just gained the attention of the most notorious warlord in the Terminus systems and was busy trying to get his dick to co-operate and _not_ get hard in front of her. “Now, I don’t let myself owe anyone anything, even if it was unintentional.”

Kaidan couldn’t help but gulp nervously. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Zaeed shift on the couch. They were both tense, ready to do, well _something_.

The asari lazily grasped the glass of alcohol beside her, bringing it to her lips to savour the flavour. “So, I’ll let you have one small favour from me.”

“Really? You’re gonna let the brat have a favour? That Vrynnus bloke must have really gotten under your skin.”

“Doesn’t matter what Vrynnus did, Massani. What matters is that the asshole is dead, and in a way that has no connections to myself.” Aria smirked. “So, kid, what favour shall the Queen of Omega grant you?”

Kaidan was gobsmacked. He honestly didn’t know what to say, what to do or what to _think_. So, he said the first thing that came to mind.

“Can I kiss you?”

\---

**2186AD**

“Hol-y _shit_ ,” Shepard breathed.

“Yeh, you’re telling me.”

“You were what, nineteen? And _Aria_ spoke with you, fucking _thanked_ you for killing Vrynnus? Wow…fuck. That had to have earned you some major kudos in the Blue Suns eyes.”

Kaidan chuckled wryly. “Sure, if anyone other than Zaeed was there. And he wasn’t one to tell stories about anyone other than himself.”

“I can’t believe it…the badass pirate queen bitch herself…and you asked her for a _kiss?!_ ”

“Yeh…I still can’t believe I did that.”

“No, it’s just…Kaidan, did you realise that by doing that you probably gained the respect of every alien on that damn station?”

Kaidan shook his head. “John, I was a hormonal teenager with a hard-on from asari dancers and the hottest, most confident woman I had ever seen, was asking me if I wanted something.” He laughed at himself. “Trust me when I say that request was from my cock, not my head.”

Shepard blinked, then burst out laughing. “Holy fucking shit Kaidan.” He then proceeded to chortle on the couch, going red in the face as he tried to breathe through the giggles.

“Uh huh…laugh it up.”

John tried to speak again but was rendered mute by his laughter. He was hard pressed to even breathe and Kaidan couldn’t help the twitch at the corner of his mouth. It was nice seeing the man let go so completely, especially considering the stresses of the war right now.

If all it had taken, was telling Shepard about his shitpile of a young adult life, Kaidan would have done it ages ago.


	5. Chapter 5

**2170AD**

They were in what could be called the ‘upper class’ section of Omega. Kaidan had never been here before, had never needed to. He had gotten his Red Sand just fine from around the lower Mining Class areas after all.

The same smoky pollution from the slums still cast an orange haze over the place. However, beyond the walkway, monolithic towers rose up as far as the eye could see, their lights glittering in the smoke. Neon signs advertised expensive brands; drugs, tech, you name it. But the people…the people held themselves differently. That sense of desperation that other parts of Omega held, wasn’t in the air and the streets clean of dirty vagrants. Mercenaries and thugs alike wore top of the line armour and even higher-grade weaponry, but their body language screamed ‘don’t fuck with me.’ These were not people that petty criminals could target and live.

Kaidan eyed the man next to him; Massani walked with a confidence that the young biotic envied. He tried to match the stride and body language, though he had no idea if he succeeded, or looked like an idiot doing it. Either way, the Blue Suns leader didn’t comment. “Why are we up this end of Omega?”

“Heading to the Casino.”

_Well, that answers the where, but not the why,_ Kaidan thought. He tried again. “What are we after anyway?”

“Vorcha scumbags took our clients whiskey,” Zaeed took a drag on his cigarette, exhaling the smoke. “We’re being paid to get it back.”

Kaidan stopped dead. “You’re fucking with me.”

Zaeed stopped and grinned. “It’s a damn good bottle of whiskey.”

“It had better be.” Kaidan snorted. Just the sort of bullshit one could expect from the so-called ‘Elite.’ “Is it worth the new armour I’m wearing? Cause I, um, noticed and well…thanks?”

The mercenary leader snorted. “Yeh well, don’t get fucking sentimental on me. You wear cheap armour here and the place will eat you alive. Besides, I need someone who this lot won’t recognise beyond being Blue Sun.”

“We need to be seen as Blue Sun?”

“Well yeh, I got a goddamn invite to the place. Vorcha mafia are holding their annual varren races.”

Kaidan frowned. He’d heard about those varren races; they were brutal and cruel. Varren that got injured were often killed and sold off as meat. It was a rare animal that became champion; even rarer that one got to retire.

“I see that look Alenko, and you need to keep your goddamn opinion to yourself while we’re in there. Go join the Varren Cruelty Association _after_ we finish the job.”

“Yes sir.” Kaidan rolled his eyes. _Who would have thought the vorcha had a fucking mafia?_

Zaeed ignored him. “When we’re inside, we need to locate the whiskey. Keep a clear head; the vorcha aren’t exactly known for their intelligence, so the bloody bottle probably isn’t hidden somewhere that’ll be hard to find.”

“What a fucking stupid job,” Kaidan muttered.

\---

**2186AD**

“It really was a fucking stupid job,” Kaidan laughed.

“You’re telling me. I can’t believe someone paid you and Zaeed to get back a bottle of fucking whiskey.”

“Hey now, it was actually really good whiskey.” Kaidan smirked. “Tasted damn fine too.”

“No way!” Shepard laughed, shaking his head. “You drank the fucking thing!?”

“Yup,” Kaidan chuckled. “Finest bottle of damn whiskey I ever tasted. Nothing else ever was the same since.”

“So, its Zaeed I can thank for your damn expensive taste in whiskey eh?” John couldn’t help but poke his partner in the ribs.

“Hey! Quit it!” Kaidan playfully pushed John back, then immediately regretted it as the other man got a gleam in his eyes. “Oh no…no, no JOHN!”

Kaidan gasped with laughter as John pounced on him, hands going everywhere as he attempted to tickle him. Limbs flew everywhere, as the tickling turned to an impromptu wrestling scene, both weak with laughter.

It ended with Shepard sitting on top of Kaidan, pinning his hands beside his face, both breathing heavily. The biotic wore a grin, and John found himself admiring his partner’s face. Leaning down, he pressed a chaste kiss to the scarred mouth.

Reclining back, John grinned as Kaidan tried to chase his mouth. He tapped him on the nose. “Finish the story Kaidan.”

Kaidan rolled his eyes. “Right. The whiskey.”

\---

**2170AD**

Kaidan was sure that Zaeed only brought him along to do the actual dirty work of stealing the whiskey.

The mercenary was at the tables, placing bets on various varren and drinking down the relatively cheap piss. Being in the casino made Kaidan feel slightly nauseous; the lights and noise threatened a migraine and it was one thing he couldn’t really afford. Smoke hung low in the air, and his eyes stung with it.

Walking by the bar, Kaidan spotted some Red Lace, a brand of cigarettes that were infused with red sand. Its effects were akin to a Valium with a little bit of a biotic high. Perfect.

Quickly tapping a payment through on his omni-tool, the bartender lit the cigarette before handing it to him. Trying not to appear too eager, Kaidan breathed deeply of the comforting fumes, then sighed happily. Leaning against the bar, his anxiety calmed somewhat, his biotics beginning to buzz slightly. It allowed him a good vantage point to watch the staff.

Time passed without Kaidan noticing, watching the ins and outs of the staff working. Mostly vorcha, though batarians also worked here. It was hard not to eye the batarians in suspicion. He also didn’t notice the number of cigarettes he had managed to smoke either.

Taking a drag on his last cig, he breathed in the laced fumes and then dropped the bud, crushing it beneath his boot.

It was time.

Spotting one of the vorcha heading to the back, Kaidan moved to follow. His feet almost caught on each other though, and he swayed. Giggling slightly, he put one hand on the bar, hissing at the biotic spark he produced at the contact.

“Stupid human,” the vorcha bartender growled. “No more for you.”

Kaidan resisted the urge to flick them the bird, just nodded and walked away. He didn’t have time for a fight right now.

Reaching the semi-hidden door, Kaidan called up his omni-tool, activating a cloaking program. It wouldn’t make him invisible but, if luck held, people wouldn’t notice him at first glance. At least the lock here wasn’t too complicated. Zaeed had given him more than enough omni-gel to open it.

He slipped inside without notice.

\---

Kaidan was lost.

Honestly, the place hadn’t looked this big on the outside. His previous anxiety had been replaced with a sense of frustration, as room after room proved fruitless.

Soon he was just walking around without fear of detection. He was also running out of omni-gel.  
 _Goddamn vorcha._ Kaidan thought. _Live like fucking rats. Also, fuck Massani._

An ache ran through him. Maybe the previous anxiety had been from him needing more Sand?

_Later,_ he thought firmly, shivering slightly. He could survive a few hours without a hit.

Coming around another random corner, Kaidan spied a door at the end of a long hallway. It didn’t particularly stand out but he was beyond caring at this point.

Carefully Kaidan activated his omni-tool, looking at the lock. Complicated but nothing he couldn’t handle. Calling up the hack program, he placed it on the door. Each second was agony as the time slowly counted down.

Then the door clicked, opening up. Unfortunately, Kaidan was now not alone.

“Hey, who the hell are you?”

Without thinking, Kaidan let his biotics flare. A wayward throw took out the alien in front of him; salarian, broken neck. The batarian beside him had enough time to look surprised, before a biotic barrier froze him in place.

“Human! You die!”

It was pure luck. He hadn’t aimed properly, couldn’t even remember raising his pistol, but the shot went directly through the alien’s skull. Red splattered the wall and the vorcha crumbled to the floor.

“That was the godfather,” the batarian whimpered, all four eyes wide open. The barrier holding him fizzled, Kaidan’s control weakening. Kaidan prepared to fire at him too but the alien just fell to his knees.

“…opps,” Kaidan muttered, then frowned. “Wait, you can’t seriously think I’ll believe that the fucking goddamn vorcha godfather was behind an unarmed door?” Not that he’d come here with the intention of killing anyone, but the bastard had gotten in the way. He turned to the batarian, a seemingly spineless aid.

“Please, it was! He thought that it would deter people from finding him.”

“Well, that’s just fucking stupid. Still, you guys didn’t even hear the door getting hacked.” Kaidan shook his head. He just needed to get out of here, and _fast_. “Right then…where’s the whiskey?”

“What?”

Kaidan couldn’t help himself; he punched the batarian flat in its ugly nose. “You heard me. Where’s the goddamn whiskey?”

The batarian grunted, before pointing to a small safe at the corner of the room. Kaidan raised an eyebrow. Hell if he was going to turn his back and open it. Instead, he pointed his gun at the batarian, who whimpered. “Open it.”

Nodding, the batarian turned and swiftly opened the safe. Fishing out the bottle inside, he turned and held it out to Kaidan.

Kaidan flared his biotics, bringing his pistol up to aim.

“I’ll give you 5,000 credits if you leave me alive,” the batarian whispered. “I don’t care about the vorcha, I just want to live.”

Kaidan hesitated, then bared his teeth. Pushing forward he slammed the batarian’s head into the floor, enjoying the way the alien grunted. Leaving it there, he stepped back. “Transfer it.”

A ping on his omni-tool sounded and a quick glance told him the transfer was complete.

Keeping his eye on the alien, Kaidan snatched the bottle of whiskey and left.

Two more bodies to add to his count as a murderer. Wouldn’t his family be proud?

\---

Zaeed led the way to an empty balcony, high above the living areas of Omega. He held the prize; 100-year-old Mount Milgrim whiskey. They were above the pollution line and all Kaidan could see was twinkling lights. It was rather pretty.

“This place reminds me of Illium really, except I like it better.” Zaeed sat down, staring at the bottle.

“Oh? I’ve never been to Illium.” Kaidan had heard all sorts of stories of the ‘gateway to the Traverse.’ Not all of them good. He looked at the mercenary next to him; the man seemed slightly distracted.

Zaeed snorted. “Yeh, at least Omega is honest. Illium presents itself as one of the safest goddamn places in the galaxy, until you turn down the wrong street or meet the wrong goddamn people.” He looked at the whiskey, smirked, then cracked it open. Without fanfare, it took a swig and sighed happily. “This is a damn good bottle of whiskey,” Zaeed murmured, passing the bottle to Kaidan.

He looked at the bottle in his hands, “Shouldn’t we be delivering the whiskey, not drinking it?”

The mercenary laughed. “Kid, you can’t buy a bottle like this. We’ll just tell them it got lost in a firefight. Now drink the finest damn whiskey you’ll ever taste.”

Taking a large gulp, Kaidan couldn’t help but agree, though it wasn’t like he had much experience to match it to. His experience lay with drugs, not alcohol. It was pleasant though, so much more than the blue shit that Zaeed had shouted him at Afterlife. The burn warmed him, instead of cheaply scorching him.

They fell into a companionable kind of silence, nonchalantly passing the bottle between them.

It was Zaeed who broke it. “Alenko, you know you’re meant to be something better than a damn drugged up mercenary right?”

“You don’t know me Zaeed, so don’t pretend to.”

“Maybe not, but I do know something about being a merc. And you ain’t it. Go back home to your dad, your mum. Get off that red sand shit. Join the Alliance.”

Kaidan snorted. “The Alliance isn’t going to want me. Like you said, I’m a fucking drugged up merc.”

“You’re a goddamn biotic kid. The Alliance are the only ones that are gonna want you. But lucky for you, you have your dad’s name.”

The Red Sand must be messing up his mind worse than he thought. “My dad’s name?”

“Yeh, Alenko. _Colonel_ Alenko.”

Kaidan was silent for a moment. It had been a long time since he had last thought of Earth, of his parents. He wondered what they would think of his life now. Stealing a glance at Zaeed again, he watched as the mercenary lifted the bottle to his lips, taking another swig. The man shuddered as the liquid pleasantly burned its way down.

“Not the smartest thing to do, using your real name, but hell, it’s not like I’ve known you to do the smart thing.” Zaeed stoppered the whiskey, handing the partly empty bottle to Kaidan. “How about this? You take this bottle, go back to your parents and when you’re a goddamn hero, as you’re meant to be, we finish the bottle?”

Kaidan blinked, not quite taking in what Zaeed was saying. “You’re kicking me out of the Blue Suns?”

This time Zaeed blinked, then the man groaned. “For fucks sake, Alenko, I’m goddamn trying to give you a better chance at life than this pisshole can give you."

“I had nothing, less than nothing, before you found me.”

Zaeed shook his head. “You have everything Alenko.” Activating his omni-tool, he pressed a few buttons then closed it. A notification beeped on Kaidan’s own. “You’re a damn fine shot, your biotics are powerful even without that goddamn Sand you insist on snorting. Fuck, you’re more intelligent than you let on.” Another gulp of the whiskey. “Someone like you can pass any goddamn test the Alliance throws at you.”

Kaidan brought up his omni-tool, frowning at the new message. It was from his father, asking him to come home and a code for tickets on a transport. He looked at Zaeed, willing himself to not cry. He wasn’t like that anymore. He was no longer weak.

“Why?” he croaked out.

“Don’t make me get fucking sentimental here kid.”

“But I have to know!” Kaidan was standing now, biotics flashing in agitation. He grunted, curling his hands into fists.

Zaeed didn’t budge. “You don’t belong with the scum of the universe. Go home kid.”

And with that, the mercenary left the half-finished bottle of whiskey on the floor and walked away.

Kaidan screamed, punching the wall beside him, biotics releasing with a sickening crunch as the concrete gave way beneath his fist.

Zaeed didn’t turn.


	6. Chapter 6

**2186AD**

“I felt so betrayed at the time,” Kaidan murmured. He smiled as he felt Shepard shift on the couch, slinging an arm around his shoulders. He smiled at his partner. “I didn’t understand it at the time, didn’t believe him but now…”

“He didn’t want you to end up like him,” John whispered.

Kaidan chuckled. “You won’t ever get him to admit it, but that’s why he helped me.” He snuggled further into John’s shoulder. “I’m sorry John.”

John frowned. “What for?”

“For not telling you about my life after Vrynnus, the drugs…everything.” Kaidan went silent. He wasn’t quite sure what he wanted to say, or what he wanted from John. All he knew was now his story was finished, he felt an undeniable feeling of shame at his past self.

“Kaidan…look at me,” John murmured.

He did as he was bid, looking into the red-tinged blue of his lover. The cybernetics still seemed raw and angry, even after all this time.

“Does this look like the face of a person who has any right to judge you?”

Kaidan snorted. “You really expect me to answer that?”

John laughed. He slunk his arms around Kaidan’s waist, pulling the man into his lap. The biotic went willingly, shivering as their cocks came into contact. Arms folded themselves around Kaidan’s waist, and John used the position to lightly thrust his cock against Kaidan.

“I love you Kaidan,” John murmured. “I love _you_. Not your biotics, not your past but the man you are today.”

The way John looked at him, like he was the most precious thing in the world, made Kaidan blush.

“Kaidan,” John repeated, voice still a whisper. His hand cupped the biotic’s face, turning it towards him. “Let me show you? Please?”

Kaidan smiled and John pressed his lips against his. The kiss was gentle at first, a reaffirmation of their affections, a promise for each other. It ended naturally, both smiling like teenagers having kissed for the first time. For the moment, they needn’t speak, simply feeling each other's presence.

“Come here.”

Shepard shifted, grasping Kaidan by the hips and pulling him into his lap. The biotic flailed a little, having no idea what was happening.

“Shepard! What are you - ”

“Ssshh,” John had already nuzzled his face into Kaidan’s neck, licking at the areas he knew were sensitive, the areas that would have any resistance crumble. One hand had made it under the biotic’s shirt, exploring the strong muscles there, while the other entangled itself in his hair. “Let me show you.”

Kaidan grasped John’s shoulders, groaning out his name in a way he’s never done before; soft and pleading. Simple touches already had his blood boiling, his cock hardening. It’d be embarrassing if not for the person igniting the flames in his belly.

“Ah, John! Shouldn’t we…” Kaidan trailed off in a moan as John began to suck on his neck. The hand that had been in his hair, had moved to his amp-jack, lightly caressing the implant area. It’s hard to think when John’s fingers explore that area; each stroke seemed to have a direct line to his cock, and he hardened completely within seconds.

“Shouldn’t we?” John echoed. He had a massive grin on his face; giving Kaidan an amp-massage was one of the sure-fire ways to melt the biotic’s mind in a lust-filled puddle.  
“Bed,” Kaidan gasped, a full body shudder running through him. “Lube. _Fuck_.”

John chuckled, “Already reduced to one-word sentences.” He smirked, then grabbing Kaidan around the waist, managed a manoeuvre that only years of crunches could produce, and rose up from the couch. Ending the amp-massage only for necessity, he grabbed Kaidan’s hand and pulled him up the stairs to the bedroom.

Both were laughing hard, hands exploring each other and clothing practically falling off. Shepard tugged Kaidan towards the bed, falling down and pulling Kaidan on top of him. Their erections rubbed against each other and they both took a moment to enjoy the sensation. Luckily the bottle of lube was still there from the last time they fucked, and Shepard quickly lubed his fingers, enjoying the sight of Kaidan’s hardon rubbing against his own.

“You’re so fucking perfect Kaidan,” John murmured, reaching around to ready Kaidan for his cock.

Kaidan groaned, writhing in the other man’s lap, as Shepard stroked one of his lubed fingers around the tight ring of muscle. A feather-touch; John made no move to penetrate Kaidan, just enjoying the touch against the biotic’s most personal space. Kaidan liked it, it felt nice, but he _needed_ more.

Sensing Kaidan’s impatience John smiled. His free hand tugged the biotic down for a kiss and both trembled as their hard cocks rubbed against each other, the delicious friction maddening. It felt like forever, but finally, one lubed finger started to steadily push inside Kaidan. Groaning into John’s mouth, he couldn’t help the way his hands tightened on John’s shoulders.

He grunted as another finger slid in beside the first. It went in easily, despite John’s thick fingers. He pushed back eagerly and John fingerfucked him, spreading his hole in preparation for that gloriously thick cock. Then the bastard leant forward and nipped at the bottom of his throat, his free hand caressing the back of his neck, dangerously close to his implant. The finger caressed the area, and suddenly Kaidan didn’t know which way to move; further down onto the fingers spearing him open or the hand on his neck, the one sending delicious tingles down his spine.

John chuckled at his predicament, taking a moment to press his fingers deeper inside. Kaidan’s entire body twitched as the other spectre seemed to hit his prostate dead on. Soon enough he’s panting as Shepard stroked that spot again and again.

“Do you feel how much I love you Kaidan?” John bounced his cock slightly, so it caressed Kaidan’s own. “How much I need you?”

“Ah, John, please.” The constant pressure against his prostate had his mind tangled and the feeling of his cock rubbing against John’s was sublime.

“Let me take care of you, show you how much I love you,” John murmured against Kaidan’s ear.  
Firm hands grasped his hips, the tip of John’s cock sliding against his ass. Kaidan moaned as he tried to lean back, but the fucking bastard held his hips still.

“Ask nicely Kaidan,” John practically purred. The man was enjoying this way too much.

“I want you inside me, John. Please, I need it.”

“What is it that you want me to do?”

“Ah! Please…fuck me,” Kaidan trailed off into a whisper.

“Mmmmmm, going to show you how much I love you Kaidan.” John nipped the biotic’s throat, enjoying the spasms of his partner. Too many times their lovemaking was quick, but tonight Shepard was determined to show the biotic just how loved he was.

“Yeeeees, please,” Kaidan’s voice dissolved into a low moan, the tip of John’s cock finally breaching him, spreading him wide open. It’s slow, breathtakingly slow. Finally, he’s fully seated inside, resting thickly against his prostate. The man’s cock was so deep, it felt like John himself has reached his soul.

They breathed together slowly; the biotic needed the time to fully relax around his length and John so he didn’t cum instantly. Kaidan always had that sort of effect on him. John wrapped his arms around Kaidan’s torso, holding his partner close to him. He leaned in to press his mouth against the biotics, staying still for a minute while they kissed as though it was the first time.

“You know,” John whispered into his ear after his lips left Kaidan’s, “I thought you were straight on the SR1.”

Kaidan tried to answer, but Shepard’s length twitched inside of him, making him moan instead. “Wha – John? _Now?!_ ”

Shepard chuckled, and Kaidan squirmed in his lap, the movement jolting the cock deep inside. “You never really talked about yourself, only about you and Rahna.”

This time Kaidan giggled. “You know me,” another gasp, “always like to, _ngh_ , leave a way out. And it’s not like you were obvious.”

“Mmmm,” John slid out slightly, then thrust back inside the biotic, enjoying the noises Kaidan was making. “Yeh, this gorgeous ass haunted my dreams for fucking months.” He reached down, lightly fingering where they were intimately joined, enjoying the way Kaidan’s ass stretched so nicely to accommodate him. “You take me so well. It’s like you’re fucking made for me Kaidan.”

Their position, Kaidan in John’s lap with arms wrapped around each other and John’s dick throbbing deep within him, was achingly intimate. Soon it’s too much though; Kaidan had to _move_. Lifting himself up, he begins to fuck himself on John’s cock. He made it a show for him; Kaidan knew that John’s voyeur tendencies meant that the man was intently watching the way his ass slid easily down his cock. It just fucking _did,/i > it for him, in ways that Kaidan didn’t quite understand._

Just as he knew it would, it drove Shepard crazy; John growled, grabbing the Major and pushing him off his lap, onto the bed.

Kaidan blinked, both at the sudden change in position and the feeling of emptiness, then groaned as John guided himself back into his loose hole. He then hooked one of Kaidan’s legs over his shoulder, the biotic shuddering as the new position opened him up further for the man to take him.

“Ah! Fuck John!” Kaidan couldn’t stop the little noises coming from his throat; the feelings were just too intense. He snuck a hand down to his cock that’s freely bouncing on his belly, taking himself in hand. His other hand clung to John, as the spectre very nearly mounted him; shoving him into the mattress, leaving him panting and gasping against his mouth. Shepard slammed home repeatedly, balls slapping against Kaidan’s perfect ass, unerringly hitting his prostate dead on. Whispers of love and adulation slipped from John’s mouth, amidst the swearing cries.

Kaidan tried to maintain eye contact but he had to keep closing them as his pleasure swiftly built, deep within him. Feeling his balls begin to tighten, he gasped out a warning before his cum splashed between them.

Shepard wasn’t too far behind. The vigorous pace, the sight of Kaidan coming undone, the feeling of his ass contracting around his dick had him losing control and coming deep within his partner’s body. It was the most intense orgasm he’d had in a long time, and he rode the shockwaves for as long as he could, finally coming to rest fully sheathed inside.

John kissed Kaidan again, slow and deep, as the last pleasurable twitches of their orgasms rippled through them both.

Finally, John gently pulled his softening cock out of Kaidan’s ass. The biotic whimpered at the slight stinging sensation, though more so regretted the loss of intimacy. The feeling was placated when John pulled him close against his chest.

Both closed their eyes, breathing softly through the afterglow. Broad hands explored sore muscles, rubbing assurances and love into the other.

Silence came over them, a welcome change from the breathy gasps and moans that had filled the room. It’s the type of silence that shows how comfortable two people are with each other, rather than feeling an urge to fill it.

When their heartbeats had returned to normal, it was John that broke it, “So, should I ring up Zaeed for a reunion? I still can’t believe you drank that fucking whiskey either.”

Kaidan laughed, feeling the pleasurable ache deep within him. “Just invite him to that party you’re thinking of having after all this shit is over.”

“Heh, that I can do.”

\---

**EPILOGUE**

**2186AD**

So far, the party was nice.

Kaidan couldn’t handle too much loud music, and John had been sweet in accommodating that. His partner was happy to see his close friends and comrades that had been made during his indentured service at Cerberus.

It was amusing seeing their joint comrades from the SR-1 relaxing. Tali getting drunk, so quickly and easily was amusing, while trading new stories with Wrex had quickly become a highlight of his night. Getting the chance to meet the crew that John had formed such strong bonds with during his suicide mission was enlightening. It was like getting a glimpse into that dark time between them. Kaidan found himself glad that the mismatched group had ended up being such strong anchors for his partner, ready to lay their lives on the line to defend him when he had been unable to.

But there was one face he was still searching for.

He heard him before he saw him; gravel rough voice conversing with Garrus. Something about the security of Shepard’s apartment. Kaidan spied the two talking around a corner. Massani’s face wasn’t the same one he remembered, but there was no mistaking the mercenary.

He hesitated. It was uncharacteristic of him, but he was worried. Would Massani even want to talk to him? They hadn’t exactly parted on the best of terms after all.

Fortunately for him, Zaeed took initiative for him. “Well fuck, I’ll be a space monkey’s uncle. Here’s a face I never thought I’d see again. Looking a heck damn better than mine, that’s for sure.”

Kaidan nodded. “Zaeed.”

Garrus blinked, looking between the two of them. “You know each other?”

“It was a long time ago, but yes,” Zaeed grinned, crossing his arms. “Come a long way up in the world too. A goddamn fucking spectre Alenko,” Zaeed whistled lowly. “I knew you were fucking better than what the Blue Suns could offer.”

It was Kaidan’s turn to laugh. “Don’t know how.” He found himself reluctant to say more in front of the turian and quieted again.

Garrus looked at one, then the other. “Well, it seems you two have a bit of catching up to do. I’m going to get another drink, maybe check the security system in the kitchen.”

They both watched Garrus leave, before silence settled in.

“You know,” Kaidan began slowly. “I have a bottle of Mount Milgrom I’ve been saving for a special occasion. Shepard isn’t exactly the uh, whiskey drinking type.”

Zaeed studied his face for the moment, calculating. Then he grinned. “You’re still a goddamn brat Alenko. Let’s go finish drinking that fucking bottle, catch up from where I left you on that pisshole.”

Kaidan couldn’t help but bark out a laugh. Messed up kid that he was, he never would have even dreamt of the life he now had.

And now it was time to thank the bastard who helped him live it.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank-you to my amazing beta barbex, who somehow beta-read this while driving though fucking Norway xD I love you <3


End file.
